


There is a light that never goes out

by none_the_wiser



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Bones is a doctor not an engineer, Declarations Of Love, Flashbacks, I’m so bad at this, Jim is a good friend, M/M, Unrequited Love, pinning, probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-14
Updated: 2020-01-14
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:47:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22255906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/none_the_wiser/pseuds/none_the_wiser
Summary: He barely managed to catch Jim by the jacket when he nearly fell down onto the street. A car flashed past, and from the open window came a rattling “drunk idiots!” and a stream of swearings. Then he realized that with Jim he would go anywhere, either up or down to hell, right now. And he looked at the sky, and saw the stars. He didn’t know you could see them like this only from earth.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy
Comments: 14
Kudos: 92





	There is a light that never goes out

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story some time ago while procrastinating on work, life and writing for the Trip Switch series. Then i translated it into English. Then amazing, amazing, simply the best [ masterassassin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/masterassassin/pseuds/masterassassin) did her magic as beta. It’s sort of inspired by Ray Bradbury’s short story “Kaleidoscope”, the opening quote as well as the story title is from a song by The Smiths. 
> 
> hope you enjoy it!
> 
> This story in russian is [here](https://ficbook.net/readfic/8859941)

  
  


_And if a double-decker bus_

_Crashes into us_

_To die by your side_

_Is such a heavenly way to die_

_And if a ten ton truck_

_Kills the both of us_

_To die by your side_

_Well the pleasure, the privilege is mine_

“I made a promise to kill you when we find you, but I decided to wait for you to wake up.”

“That’s nice of you. Where are we? How long was I out?

“Do you remember anything?”

“Did I do something?”

“Well, Spock said you acted logically.”

“Now I’m scared.”

“What do you remember?”

“We were in an unexplored nebula on an incredibly boring mapping mission. Something went wrong ... There was a pirate ship. We had to leave the ship."

“Is that all?”

“Dammit, it feels like a hell of concussion I’m dealing with, gimme some time, will ya?”

***

Pressing his nose against the cold glass, Jim watches his ship being torn to pieces, and hundreds of escape pods shoot into the black nothing like sharp sparks of fireworks.

A bright indication lights up on the panel, and a voice notification duplicates the message in a pleasant and unduly calm female voice: “All crew members left the ship.” So now, it’s his turn, but he can’t force himself to take a step, rooted to the floor of the bridge. He still has about fifteen minutes to fall, he can take his time. The deck floor flinches with a gut-wrenching metal moan as if to remind him that he’s pretty much wrong, his time to flee passed three minutes ago. The captain’s always the last off. But that’s not exactly the reason why he stands there in a daze, mesmerized by volleys of escape pods and shining pieces of the ship entrusted to him, the pride and joy of Starfleet. She’s falling, crashing, attracted by the bluish glow of the atmosphere of the unnamed planet in an unexplored nebula of an uncharted part of the sky, and he wants to enjoy the fall.

The smell of singed plastic becomes unbearable. Jim wrinkles his nose. He knows for sure that the material isn’t toxic, but still in his head a familiar voice with a viscous southern accent sarcastically remarks: “Well, maybe it’s time to go to the pod, but sure you wait till your lungs melt first.” Jim sighs and loudly voices his last command to the ship’s computer: “Locate Dr. McCoy.”

“Dr. McCoy is in the escape pod MO-54,” the computer informs impassively and, as it seems to him, not too kindly. She’s jealous. Jim always imagined her as a pretty blonde with high cheekbones and green eyes. Does she realize that she’s dying? With a sigh, Jim looks around the shattered bridge, casts a farewell glance at the captain’s chair, which has fallen to one side.

Now he can go. He jumps into the last remaining pod; the capsule covers him over with a gentle hiss. Then he no longer hears anything but his own rapid breathing. The pod shoots off and he shuts his eyes tightly, now it’s important not to pass out, the overload presses him down, and if he had not been clamped in this damn thing from all sides, like a Ken doll in its plastic package, he would be sprawled all over the floor. At some point, he feels his insides thoroughly shaken out and mixed and changing their places – his heart and his stomach lovingly pressed against each other in a convulsive embrace, his lungs scattered in horror in different directions. The moment he manages to catch some kind of pleasant buzz it’s over, and he is already falling free. A strange freedom tickles pleasantly in his chest. He had just ditched his beautiful ship.

“Computer, call pod MO-54.”

***

“Well, that’s just typical,” Leonard grunts as a crack begins to creep across the glass right in front of his nose. The impact of another wreck of the Enterprise – and the thin crack turns into an intricate cobweb. “Couldn’t be any better.”

The alert chirps and a red message reading “Stabilizing system failure” flashes on the glass. As to confirm the matter, the pod jolts properly and Leonard’s forehead hits the panel. Off to a good start…

He always preferred to be angry, because anger is better than fear, much simpler and more comprehensible. And he’s doing a good job cursing out colorfully, furiously at all and everything, until the incoming call alert shrieks, and Jim’s voice soaked with fake enthusiasm asks: “Hey, how are you holding on there, old man?”

Honestly, Leonard never thought his time would come first. He used to draw gloomy pictures in his imagination, as his trembling hand fills in James T. Kirk’s death certificate. That’s something from his nightmares, the collected works, Volume Two. Somewhere between the chapters about the impossibility of saving the team from some mysterious untreatable space fever, the one that makes skin-pores bleed, and about his own decease in silence and loneliness – something that is actually happening right now.

Belatedly, the message “Exterior damage” lights up, and McCoy curses under his breath. Exterior. A thin layer of lightweight metal, separating him from the cold, radiation and a relatively quick and easy death in deafening silence. In fact, in space there are not only beautiful stars you’re surrounded by, whatever Jim would blurt out after the fifth glass. In space, you’re wrapped in primal fear. The message window winces on the glass. Interference and alarm delay means the pods processor is also damaged. He, of course, is a doctor, not an engineer, but there’s no laser brain needed to understand – he’s fucked. Deadly.

“I’m holding on just fine, my captain,” he finally replies, trying not to overthink the way the voice faltered, highlighting the ‘my’ part.

“Don’t worry, Bones, these things are safe enough. They’re called ‘escape’ pods for a reason.”

“They are escape pods, Jim, because we are escaping. And we are escaping because...”

Here, at that instant, Leonard feels terrified and elated in equal measures, because he realizes – Jim’s worried about him, because he knows how much he is afraid to fly. But they’re not even flying, they’re falling. In an ironic twist of fate. Now it’s McCoy’s turn to assure his friend that everything’s fucking fine when, in fact, nothing’s fucking fine. He ponders it for a moment whether he should tell Jim that his pod is bursting at the seams, and that most likely it’s only his corpse in a rumpled tin can that will get to the planet.

They can’t see each other, the pod’s computer doesn’t support video, and that’s honestly for the better. Leonard knows what a miserable sight he currently is – pale, wide-eyed, drops of sweat on his forehead. Now Jim is just a ragged breath from the speaker drowning in the caustic hiss of static noise, but Leonard can clearly imagine the smiling face of his captain. Because Jim always smiles, and the closer the danger the wider the smile is. Something hits the pod once again, and the web on the glass, crackling loudly, spreads even wider. Leonard feels his hands begin to sweat.

“The connection seems unstable, is everything alright, Bones?”

“Yes, I’m just not talking. Kinda trying to not throw up here.”

“I hope your pod has all the necessary medical equipment, many team members are injured, you’re gonna get quite a workout on arrival.” He is trying to distract him in this way, stupid idiot.

“I know, Jim. And you as a captain should know that all the medical compartment escape pods are equipped with the most advanced med kits,” Leonard notes absently, leaving out the fact that he’ll never be able to help anyone in anything. He is terribly annoyed that in this damn crystal coffin you can’t really even turn your head, and he is forced to look only forward and maybe a little up – into the darkness, through the cracked glass and popping-up alert messages, dryly informing that when the capsule enters the planet’s atmosphere, he’s fucked, granted. The other crew members’ pods are pouring out of a shiny steel cloud that had once been the flagship of the Starfleet Enterprise, like a rain of glitter.

Unfortunately, he can’t actually admire the view of the planet beneath his feet, but he remembers its pale blue glimmering in the window of the mess room, where he and Jim drank the day before yesterday at the end of the shift. Now it seems like forever ago. Jim tried to come up with a suitable name for the planet but he sort of short-circuited as he stupidly began to list the names of all the girls with whom he slept in the Academy. Leonard noted that an ex-girlfriend’s name is barely an appropriate name for a planet. That’s how hurricanes get their names. In response, Jim began to list the names of the guys he’d slept with. Oddly enough, in the end, the ultimate list of former lovers turned out to be not that long, and surprisingly McCoy’s name didn’t make it. Leonard wanted to ask about it, but the thought quickly rushed away somewhere. Although it’s very unlike him he got wasted rather quickly, and almost fell asleep right on the counter. Then between light sleep and reality, he felt that someone stroked his cheek, his hair, touched his lips, and he opened his eyes, but only Jim was nearby, frantically clutching at his empty glass. They stared silently at the nameless planet for a long time.

He said, “Let’s call it a night, my captain.” Jim nodded silently and Leonard seemed to catch a glimpse of some strange longing in his eyes.

One after another, failed systems alert messages flash on the glass, but he doesn’t feel like paying attention. The damn soulless machine tells him how and why he will die in plain text. He’s bound hand and foot in a tight capsule, and even if he were an engineer, he couldn’t fix anything. But then again, it now becomes clear to him why his patients would often complain about his bedside manner. Over the years of practice, he also hasn’t developed the ability to sugarcoat a bitter pill.

“Don’t be so quiet, Bones, I really miss someone to lash me out for my stupidity right now.”

“It’s not your fault, Jim.”

“Am I actually talking to Leonard McCoy?”

“You just couldn’t know that they would jump right in front of us and start firing. They sent a distress signal. You did everything according to the protocol. Even Spock will have nothing to complain about. ”

“Yeah,” Jim reluctantly agrees.

“Why are these pods so tiny?” Leonard tries to make his voice sound more displeased than frightened. The temperature control has also died along the way, and the capsule becomes a little cool. For some reason, his heart has shifted up and is now beating dumbfounded in his throat. It’s just the lack of gravity, he tells himself. “Damn tin can. Computer, mute the alerts. ”

“Are you having problems?”

“No, I’m just sick of these messages, they keep on popping up.”

“What messages? Just don’t panic, okay?”

“Jim, I’m a big boy.” He is terrified, in fact, to stupor, and his knees start to tremble. But the fear of death is logical, this is what helps people stay alive. Well, in situations where it is possible. “I have no idea, the alert system failed. Some kind of minor breakdown but the alarms won’t shut up, dammit.” He was never a good liar, but today he's at his best.

“Don’t worry, just another five minutes and you’re on a hard surface.”

“I look forward to it.” His capsule will crash. The braking system failure message annoyingly blinks on the already decently misted glass. One can only hope that the parachute will open, but Leonard always first considers the worst options. Most likely by that moment he’ll already be dead.

Jim doesn’t know fear. He doesn’t believe in no win scenarios. Like when you’re locked in a tin can rushing at speed exceeding the speed of sound to the surface of an unexplored Class M planet.

“Leonard, are you still with me?”

Like when you fall in love with your best friend.

“I’m fine. Do you think they have bars on this planet? ”

Oh god, they don’t even know what awaits them down there. The numbers on the heading and speed sensors are jumping like mad. Don’t close your eyes yet, look, the darkness becomes brighter - you enter the stratosphere.

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t mind a drink. Bones, she was blown to pieces, our beauty.”

Of course, Jim’s talking about the ship. He loved that damn can so much. The speaker croaks and hisses like it’s caught a cold, and Leonard shuts his eyes, trying to breathe evenly. If you close your eyes, you can imagine yourself in a large spacious room, bathed in sunlight; you can imagine yourself at home. The last home he had was an Academy dorm room. Everything that belonged to him was smashed along with the Enterprise. So stupid at such a moment to worry about possessions. A rare stethoscope from the twentieth century, it cost him a fortune. Set of steel scalpels. Dear Lord, there’s really nothing going to be left of him. Just a record in the Fleet personnel database. The pod shakes and Leonard swallows hard. “Breathe, breathe...” Did he say it out loud now?

“Bones? Bones Don’t panic. Breathe! It’s good advice, that’s right. Come on... Breathe in, slowly breath out.” Surprisingly, while all the systems in the damn pod have failed, the connection and oxygen supply are just fucking fine, as if specifically to prolong the torment. “By the way, Scotty reported, he’s landed.”

That is good news. That is damn good news. They are in the stratosphere, and the pod seems to be starting to heat up. On the upside he’s not so cold anymore and his feet are no longer freezing, and his head is no less than on fire. Actually, he’s in terror and on the verge of losing consciousness. “Jim, okay, okay, I admit I’m scared.”

“I know.”

“No you don’t know. I’m fucking terrified!”

“I know, Bones. Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence, I remember, but everything will be fine. ”

Breathe in deeply. Exhale slowly. Would you go up there? With you, I would go anywhere. Hold your breath for a second. Breathe out more. Breathe in deeply.

“Spock’s landed. Sulu too. Everything will be fine. Hey, remember, you took the jump from the stratosphere with me?”

Indeed, he remembers. He nearly shit his pants. But Jim was there and his desperate courage would have been enough for a dozen McCoys.

That is why he allowed himself to be carried away into the abyss above their heads. At the beginning, his simple plan was to get a job at the fleet’s farthest outpost, as far as possible from Earth, and slowly drink himself into an early grave. Leonard swallows a lump in his throat.

“Jim, I love you.”

“Love you too, buddy. Chekov’s landed. Uhura.”

His life must be flashing before his eyes, but the only thing he can think of is that one night he and Jim, roaring drunk, were trying to get to the dorm. Well, it was Jim who could barely stand, Leonard immediately sobered up as they went outside. It was raining. They held onto each other, like drowning men grabbing a lifebuoy, and clouds of steam fell off their lips, blowing into the cold sky. Winter nights in San Francisco are much cooler than he had imagined before. Jim said that the other day he went to see the new Starfleet flagship construction. “She’s beautiful,” he said dreamily. Then he asked, “Would you go up there?” And McCoy, without even thinking, simply nodded. He barely managed to catch Jim by the jacket when he nearly fell down onto the street. A car flashed past, and from the open window came a rattling “drunk idiots!” and a stream of swearings. Then he realized that with Jim he would go anywhere, either up or down to hell, right now. And he looked at the sky, and saw the stars. He didn’t know you could see them like this only from earth.

That night, they conked out on each other in Leonard’s narrow bed, because he lived alone, and because Jim was too drunk to make his way home. When he opened his eyes in the morning he was met by a piercingly blue look – Jim’s warm hand lay on his shoulder – there was a question in his eyes, and Leonard simply nodded again without thinking.

When he woke up a second time, Jim was already gone.

In fact, it’s not so bad if Jim’s voice is the last thing he’ll hear.

“No, no, Jim, not like that. I’m in love with you. I was always afraid to tell you, but now is the right time.” There will be no other time. The pod is spinning round, and he can’t hear what Jim replies, due to the blood rushing in his ears. Glass cracks and breaks, a sharp splinter pierces his cheek. “I’m so sorry!” He screams, or just thinks it out loud, it’s hard to say for sure, because the pod jerks up frantically, he hits his forehead again, and the stars roll out of his eyes, and he faints immediately.

***

And then he repeats through his clenched teeth: “I’m gonna kill him when we find him.”

Spock tilts his head to one side, scanning the captain’s face. “I don’t understand why you are angry, contrary to usual, the doctor acted quite logically. You couldn’t do anything.”

“How didn’t I realize immediately that he was lying ...” hisses Jim. He is angry because it’s easy. Much easier than thinking about what he actually feels. But that would be hard to explain to Spock. “I’ll strangle him with my bare hands, if he’s, of course, still alive.” It’s a fear, one he had never experienced before in his entire life, he can feel it almost physically, it rises from his stomach, a slippery cold wrapping around his heart, and clasping his throat.

“With all due respect, captain, but the good doctor, if he’s alive, will kill you first,” says Scotty. “I saw his pod spinning. Right upon exit, a huge part of the ship hit it. It’s a miracle that the pod didn’t immediately depressurize. I tried to contact him, but the channel was blocked.” According to the protocol, Scotty left Enterprise on a shuttle.

Jim nods perplexedly. At the same time, McCoy lied to him about how everything was fine with him and asked how to get to the nearest bar. Then he said something else, from which strange warmth spreads in Jim’s chest, it hurts a little, but it makes the fear recede. He’ll think about this later. If they find him. When they find him, he mentally corrects himself. And now it’s vital for him to stay angry.

“I received his telemetry until the moment the pod’s parachute opened. Then the channel collapsed. But he was definitely still alive.”

“The signal comes from there,” Chekov exclaims enthusiastically and points to a sunlit lilac hill.

“I’m gonna bury him alive!” Jim growls almost joyfully and picks up his pace.


End file.
